"Falling in love with the process of healing through trauma"
The journey through the body’s natural healing process inspires the inner light and essence of my being. A process that seemed so unclear and unknown before the guidance and support received from my wellness team; and naturally discovered throughout the journey. A team of amazing humans I surrounded myself with; guiding through many facets and perspectives.
For twenty years the feeling of betrayal and “out of control” in relationship with the body haunted my everyday experience. Feeling as if something was wrong with me. Unsure of what would happen next and why the body was failing to respond in a way that seemed appropriate to its surroundings.
For twenty years I was trying to stop the body’s natural healing process of letting go of trauma. I had no idea. My intention was to heal and overcome/let go of past events. I thought I knew how. I tried many things. Not seeing how angry I was towards the body. Manifesting into a series of decisions that recreated a false sense of control. Reliving trauma for years through circumstances and a lifestyle; detaching from love and life in unhealthy habits and people. Subconsciously creating a life that reflected how I felt inside. A lifestyle too dangerous to discuss details on the internet. Four(4) years of a life that now seems to have happened in a movie. Surrounded by drugs and criminals, who was this girl?
Let’s share her story:
At the age of 23 she emerged; breaking free. Making the decision to never speak to friends who where in the unhealthy lifestyle. She was starting over. Called everyone on the phone telling them she was starting a new life. It’s was scary. She knew too much; seen too much. Would they let her go?
Ahhhh yes .......
..... honesty and truth set her free.
She was respected by her peers and they supported her by never speaking to her again. The biggest challenge was breaking free from the boyfriend she loved. They where madly in love. He would never change. He was so far in, tried many times to break the addictions.
He too was set free.
She decided to love herself first.
Even though she did not yet feel the love; her heart was saying yes. Trusting the intuition and many signs that intervened her direction......
Not having a strong network of support following the trauma, in the years before the dramatic lifestyle change created much confusion. People always telling her to stop being such a 'drama queen' during a panic attack; and times of needing help. Learning to suppress all emotions unless in solitude. Pushing it all down as if something where wrong. The adults and peers that surrounded her did not know. They did not understand the body’s natural healing process after trauma. Observing what seemed like irrational behavior; unaware of the damage created through punishing the 'drama queen' for this behavior.
Trying to ignore the constant lump in the throat; knots in the stomach; and pains in the chest. It become normal to throw up or have diarrhea when things got tough. She discovered she was really good at hiding the secrecy of her depression and anxiety; her longing for something to come along and end it all.
Through years of talk therapy; hundreds of self help books...... there was always something missing. A piece of the puzzle that she could not find. Acknowledging and satisfying her spiritual side through, mentors; learning many modalities; energy work. She still could not shake the feeling of high alert. Never feeling safe.
Even her natural path confused by her nervous system always reacting as though a tiger was in front of her. Stuck. In panic mode.
Helping/supporting others over the years to release their trauma, through her healing modalities confused her.
“Why not me?”
The question arises.
Testimonials after Reiki sessions with others blew her away when they opened up about the session with her, released deep trauma in the body. Even similar circumstances and stories where shared by the women she helped. They had so much gratitude towards her for holding space for these healing sessions.
“Why not me?”
She asked again.
2015 hit her like a brick wall..... digestive system shutting down, many illnesses arose.
“What is happening? “
“What is wrong?”
Again the universe intervened with amazing guidance and support. 🌺
Lining up more amazing humans in her wellness support team.
Miracles happened very quickly......
New questions arise ......
“How can I support the body?”
“What changes can I make?”
Every moment and breath dedicated to the well-being of the body; mind and soul.
Nothing else mattered anymore; but loving self.
She is first.
She is fierce and strong.
She is courageously doing something so wild.
She has decided to fall in love with herself.
March 2018, choosing a book for her topic of deeper studies within her yoga teacher training.
“Overcoming Trauma Through Yoga"
Reclaiming your body;
David Emerson, Elizabeth Hopper,PhD
Boom ! Tears flood her face as she opens the package from the mail containing the book ordered. Loss of breath. Panic attack rising. ......for weeks she could feel the subtle shifts of panic rising in the body. Her scoliosis and muscles around the lungs have been sensitive for weeks now. Contracting inwards.
Waves of emotions coming and going. Pain coming and going.
She supports self in the best way she can.
Stillness and flow.
Mmmmm trusting the unfolding events; leading to something. What is it? The curiosity calms the chaos. Love of the process and unveiling supports everyday experiences. She has learned so much.
April 2018 yoga training weekend......
She woke up unable to breathe.
There it was
Exactly like the mornings experienced in High school.
So much pain. Barely able to move.
She got out of bed knowing; this time she is supported by humans who understand. The yoga tribe.
She allows the tears to come and go, supporting whatever release was happening in this safe environment of the yoga training weekend.
Pain consuming her body. Barely able to move. All muscles contacting to the centre of the spine at the point of scoliosis.
Organs moving to the centre of the body.
She is scared.
She will flow through this with intentions of openness.
She is love
She is fierce
Ready to step through the fire
12noon she drops to the floor so much pain. The full panic attack; diaphragm pushing so hard the organs protrude out of the stomach every second or so.
She loss control of her breath.
Should she call 911?
The tribe rushing to her side. Supporting her body with hands on her lungs, feet and cranium. Whispering “inhale....exhale. ......I am here with you.”
Ahhhhh the first time she experienced a panic attack with humans who supported the experience. The body calmed within 20 minutes......
The body experienced a support for the first time.
Days later she still felt chaos within the body, energetic discord. Simultaneously a deeper love than ever imagined flowed throughout the self.
Blair messaged her. An old friend of twenty years; for the last decade occasionally connecting from time to time.
“How are you?” Blair asked
She thought about it for a while, the truth had to be shared, especially with his intuition. She could feel his energy of healing intervention, has already begun.
“I’m doing great in all aspects with the exception of the physical body. It’s hard to breathe; and I’m in a very sympathetic state. Right now something is happening and I will be seeing my osteopath next week.’
‘I’m coming over tomorrow night” he responded.
It was hard for her to accept this offering, as she worked through deep rooted beliefs of ‘self worth’, resisting old patterns of saying ‘no thank you.’
She knew his path into osteopathy; and had not yet received a treatment from him. (interesting side note: her regular osteopath of almost ten years felt intuitively drawn to end their energetic exchange two months earlier. What started as a regular patient experience; he wanted to learn more about the energy work/healing sessions she offered. Evolving his practice every three months with an exchange in healing sessions.)
She is worthy
She is love
She is healed
When Blair arrived it was as if no time passed.........just like 20 years ago spending time together; nurturing each other on a soul level.
Sharing an energetic connection that was always inexpiable. As if they where soul siblings . An unbreakable tribe and bond.
She explained the events of the weeks leading up to the moment of the extreme anxiety attack. He listened with his entire being; observing, learning, loving. The session was one of the most intense sessions ever experienced. Like links on a chain, one by one releasing love throughout body.
Blair and Natalie shared stories for a few hours; he was very curious about what transpired. The intensity and ‘time’ in which everything was restored to a state of homeostasis. He had never experienced such events. Her body responding energetically so rapidly.
Conversations Diving further into her yoga and energy work journey she shared whatever spirit guided her to share. Blair’s intuition is so connected as he brought to her attention the ‘stories’ he heard while working on her cranium. Wow!!!! Yes ......
The backlash in her teen years from friends and adults during the misunderstanding of what was actually happening within the body.
It’s time to let that go now.
She is free
She is love
She is healed
The following week was her scheduled appointment to the natural path. She shared what has transpired. Curiously the natural path energetically checked her nervous system.......she was speechless for a moment then said,
“You rebooted your nervous system”
She could not believe it, she knew she felt a huge shift, as if she where in a new body. This was amazing news.......
Considering a few years ago she was close to being hospitalized for exhaustion and malnutrition due to the digestive track shutting down and unable to process food.
The natural path did a series of tests........very curious and not saying much for about twenty minutes.
Tears filled the dr's eyes as she spoke;
“This is a very exciting moment in my career, not too often am I able to let a patient know that there time with me is complete in this moment. You have all the tools; with your intuition and self care, your able to fully carry yourself the rest of the way though this healing journey without me.”
What? She could not believe her ears.....tears of joy filled her heart and eyes.
“I’m fucking amazing” where her exact words in response to the moment.
Love and gratitude for the years of working on caring for self evolved into the biggest gift she ever received.
Falling deeper and deeper in love
She is wise
She is wild
She is love
That is the story of a girl who walked through the fire, facing hard truths. Courageously loving self in ways never imagined possible. A girl who is illuminating the torches of others so they too become aware of their strength and power. Through it all unveiling thy love, it was never lost.......life flowing through physical experiences created by beliefs. Simultaneously unraveling perceptions and conditioning revealing the true nature within.
Beyond the body
Beyond the mind
Who is the observer?
Who is she/he/they?
If you are calling in your WILD NATURE & INNER HEALER, I would love to connect!
Thank you so much for sharing a conversation on topics that inspire and illuminate the path of embodiment.
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Hello. I'm Natalie, Transforming the way we show up, hold space and lead, within the world. Committed to supporting Embodied Leaders, Changemakers, Healers, Practitioners, and Visionaries in embodiment, integration, ethical practices, and illuminating your medicine into your soul lead work, healing, and offerings.
The world needs you and your gifts, we need healers, leaders, holistic practitioners, intuitives and awakened souls who are serving from a space of embodiment, alignment and ethical leadership from the heart. This is how we cultivate and sustain the change we want to see in the world.
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